Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
