I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
