i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
