I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
