For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
