Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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