OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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