i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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