I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
