im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
