You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Randomize
