Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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