i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
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