I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
