im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
