i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you traded sex for a burrito?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
