I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
