Welp...herpes.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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