Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
