I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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