You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
