I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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