Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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