the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
