Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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