Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
