Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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