It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
