I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
