The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
