I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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