Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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