Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
