your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
