i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
