I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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