Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
