She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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