she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
