life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My cat gives me a boner
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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