well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
