turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
