Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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