wrigley field is MILF paradise
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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