he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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