your thong is hanging out like whoa
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
