I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
