Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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