being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
