My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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