I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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