no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
